Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.