I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Oh boy, $150,000!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.