Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Simple enough.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.