How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
This meal prepping shit easy
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.