therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
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*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is