MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
You Might Also Like
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Brb my Sims are getting married