I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Running from your problems is cardio .
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
This forever.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
what’s more important?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports