I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]