We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
[montage of me giving-up]
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.