I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
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If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.