I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?