My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
so, is there a mister shapen head
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I’m sorry…what?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.