I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
just gave your address to some spiders
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves