One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
i think both sides are to blame here
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.