Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.