When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.