My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
You Might Also Like
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
A family that plays together cheats.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Am getting real tired of your crap…