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The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Beauty and the Beast
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.