The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
You Might Also Like
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Air pods looking like an angry frog