The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
his wife is probably gonna see that
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.