The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
A leaf blower, but for people.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.