Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.