The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE