Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it