“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
my proudest tweet