i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
That was easy.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.