If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
It be like that sometimes 😆
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.