I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
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Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.