Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online