in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that