I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside