listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Confused owl: What?!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.