my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
This is a true ally.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
real
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
50 shades of grey = my Liver