It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
how it started vs how it ended
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.