Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.