Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.