Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.