I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Love is in the air fryer.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime