WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
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“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..