interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
absolutely not
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.