A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra