cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
This hospital has everything
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner