Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.