No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
You know…for fall…
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.