Where is your GOD now????
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Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
lmao
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.