Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
How dude HOW?!
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy