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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Worst bar ever.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine