beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.