Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
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Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.