A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>